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singingshadows

i'm trying to blog about my depression.

Days Tick By…

05/03/2016

Here we are again. Another week flown by. Absolutely nothing to show for it. Getting to the point now where I’m looking at the calendar and instead of thinking what’s happening next I’m thinking am I going to make it?

I look at December with misery.

Literally nobody to talk to. Nobody to interact with. Feeling like a shadow. A ghost of sorts. Feel absolutely no reason to get up in the mornings. Feel no reason to go to bed. I have absolutely no motivation.

The only time I do anything is getting drink. The reason I fall asleep is because of the alcohol now. First thing I do in the morning and last thing I do at night. Drink.

Monday rolls around slowly and on the weekends is when I’m at my worst. Being locked inside a room for 48 hours. Nothing to do. Everybody is conveniently “busy”.

When do I get to wake up from this nightmare?  😦

 

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Breaking the mold.

28/02/2016

Today was where I’ve decided to talk out. I have fallen into a deep depression. I’ve been in this mode for as long as I can remember. Life is becoming too much to bear and too much to deal with. I’ve resorted to alcohol to make the nights blur together. I hate going to work… I live alone… Have nobody to talk to. There are supposedly 6 billion people in the world and I couldn’t feel more in the dark than I do now.

I wake up first thing in the morning and the first thing that comes into my mind is whether or not I have a drink in the house for when I get home. I sit there for 10 minutes contemplating whether or not I should call in sick just to prevent the onslaught of negativity and crap I get from work. If I avoid one problem I may have a chance of actually being useful and may even crack a smile for once.

I see people talking to me but it sounds like a bombs just gone off and all I hear is the post explosion high pitch sound. I falsify a smile but inside I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and disappear.

I get home from work and walk into an empty home. No contact. No friends. No spouse. Nobody. It literally feels like you’re going insane. I often find myself just talking for the sake of talking. I feel like the character in the Sims games where their social bar gets so low they stand there and cry. I speak to people all day at work but its about work. There is nobody I can talk to at home. Nobody texts, nobody calls.

Another night.. alone.

Go back to the fridge and find the only thing that keeps me from going insane.

Can’t help it but I’m stood in the middle of a tunnel and regardless of what end I look for I can’t find the light. All I want is literally someone to talk to…

Questioning why I’m even typing this. Think it’s more out of hope than anything else.

 

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